You smell like a Billy Joel song
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
