I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
