I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize