I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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