can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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