I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
