and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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