singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
