If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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