After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
