I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
