I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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