Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
