Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
