why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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