Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
its liver damage thursday
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
