her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
