Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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