So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
