I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
