How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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