I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
