I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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