People in love make me want to vomit
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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