dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
