there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
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