Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
