I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
