I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
