: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
