Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
