update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
