i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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