I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
