Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
