Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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