I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
