You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
