I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
