OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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