you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
