I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
