it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
