You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
