That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
