I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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