I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
