If i come over, it means nothing
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
