just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
