Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Too much gin, very little bucket
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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